And I hate it.

I hate looking at you and feel this deep pang in my chest where my heart should be. I hate looking at you and know that what I feel is probably not mine, but his. Maybe this is how he feels for that girl or better yet that guy. What was his name, Riku? Oh yeah, I met him. Interesting guy, Sora. He really was intent on getting me knocked out and waking you up.

He seems nice though.

In any case, Riku wasn’t who I was referring too. I was referring to you. You who are always on my mind, you who always nonchalantly managed to make my “heart“ flutter, you who literally set my nonexistent heart aflame. Every now and then I would try to talk to you, tell you what I’m feeling, but you would just smile and say, “Roxas, we don’t feel, we can’t.”. Every time you said that, I wanted to fight with you and say that we do; I do.

The worst part of things was that each time you crawled into my bed and kissed me, I almost had half the mind to ask you, “So, what are you feeling?” but the fuck was too good that I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want you to stop and I’m pretty sure you couldn’t have anyways. Regardless, I never asked you what you were feeling, but I knew what I would have said if you were to ask me. I would have said that you make me feel, you make me want to kiss you so deep that you can’t breath, you make me want to just sigh and lay in your arms without expecting to spread my legs for you, you just make me want to be near you.

Despite all this, I never saw you as a bad sort of person like I’m making you sound. What I’m making you sound like is a total ass wipe. Some shitty half ass bastard with sex on the mind. Well, while the sex is nice, I think it’s safe to say I was starting to fall for you; but I knew and you probably would have too, that that could never have worked. I mean, Xemnas was driving me up the fucking wall with all the talk about my keyblades and hearts; I would have killed myself save for the fact that I didn’t have the balls too.

In any case, whenever I tried to bring up the situation of my feelings towards you, you always seemed to tune out. I think you would be called an ‘insensitive listener’. A person who doesn’t understand a message trying to be said or doesn’t try to look for a hidden meaning. Maybe that was the problem, I never could come right out and say what was wrong with me. I always beat around the bush with that sort of thing. Articulating my thoughts wasn’t a strong point and you always pointed this out to me. Anyways, I never got around to saying what I always thought, “I think I like you.” and stuff akin to that. I had to wonder if you would even care if I told you. Was I just a good convenient fuck for you? Whatever your reason, I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I couldn’t stand laying there, looking at you as you slept in a peaceful manner as I lightly traced your lips with my fingertips. I couldn’t stand feeling your eyes on me, undressing me expertly. I couldn’t stand those kisses that on my part meant something. I knew what I was feeling and I knew what you were feeling. I heard it before you disappeared forever and never to be seen again. I knew and I sort of hated the fact that you could tell Sora what you were feeling when asked and never me. Even so, I felt sad and the pain in my chest was more from me than Sora, after all he didn’t know you like I did.

So that night when I decided to leave for good; imagine my shock when I saw you standing there, arms crossed and leaning against a building. You looked at me with those stunning green eyes and asked me if I was sure of leaving. Of course I wasn’t sure, but I knew I had to go. So I told you I was and that I had to go find Sora. That was half my reason for going because I couldn’t stand dreaming of him and his friends; the other half, the driving force of it all was that I couldn’t be near you anymore. It nearly broke my “heart” walking away from you, but I had to do it. I think I needed to. So I said what I said, “No one would miss me.” and walked away. It took everything I had to not turn and run to you as I heard you say to my turned back:

“That’s not true…I would.”

That night when I left, I walked on without looking back. I knew if I did, I wouldn’t have been able to because though there were bad times, there were good. I never forgot them and I wish all the times we had were good. Sitting on the clock towers enjoying some sea salt ice cream, chewing the fat out, and just enjoying the moment; it was times like those I will always hold on to. So I never looked back, but I had half the mind to ask you at that moment as you tried to reason with me, what you were feeling. But I knew better.

I was better off talking to a wall.

-end-

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